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Marriage Counseling in San Diego

Marriage counseling is an extremely sensitive yet vital component to any troubled marriage.  It is during this time that a couple can literally make or break a relationship.  In this time, I have a true passion to help couples that truly want to save their marriage.
In my years of experience with working with many couples I have developed an ability to cut to the heart of the matter and really attack the issues that are causing the problems.

Although painful at times, by addressing these issues, couples are able to better understand what needs to be done to resolve their conflicts.

Prior to seeing me, here are some interesting observations I have made when dealing with couples seeking marriage counseling.

I've enjoyed the process of working with couples a lot over the years through couples therapy. While some couples come to me to salvage their relationships before its too late, other couples are doing well and want to take their relationship to new heights.  Regardless of how a couple is faring when they come to see me, though, I've found that it’s generally useful to encourage each partner to look at his or her family of origin issues, to learn effective active listening and communication skills, and to learn new behaviors to replace old relationship patterns and dynamics that aren't working for them.
 
When a person comes to terms with his or her unresolved family of origin issues, he begins to see how his partner's energetic presence and behaviors remind him of how he felt growing up in his family as a child.  He also begins to see that when his partner triggers or upsets him, he is likely experiencing the unresolved pain of an old wound that was opened up in childhood. 
 
Using this current upset as a thread to the past, he can follow it back to when the original trauma took place and address the buried feelings, self-defeating belief systems, and maladaptive survival strategies that he cooked up in that moment in time.  Then, with an adult's perspective and wisdom, he can work through those feelings, create more positive belief systems, and come up with more adaptive ways to deal with stress and thrive in his current relationship and in his life.
 
When a person comes to understand how his partner's upsetting behavior has given him an opportunity for growth and renewal, he no longer experiences his loved one as a thorn in his side but rather as a priceless gift. Resentments towards him or her fall to the wayside, and gratitude and appreciation take their place.
 
In addition to exploring family of origin issues, I also encourage couples to learn effective communication skills. For example, I teach them how to take responsibility for their thoughts and feelings, and I teach them how to communicate assertively.  I also help them to incorporate specific words and phrases into their emotional vocabulary that reflect sensitivity, warmth, and empathy.  I set aside time to do these things because I believe that what people say and how they say it influences how their partners experience them.
 
While it is important for partners in relationships to know how to effectively communicate their thoughts and feelings, it’s equally important for them to know how to be good listeners. Therefore I also spend some time in couple's counseling teaching active listening skills.  This set of skills includes reflective listening, paraphrasing, and mirroring. When two people master these skills, they've learned how to really hear what what’s being said to them. In turn, they feel safe, connected, validated, and understood.
 
One more essential piece to effective couple's counseling involves teaching both partners new ways to "dance" in their relationship.  When couples find that they're stumbling over each other, it’s likely because their dance steps lack rhythm and flow. One partner, for example, may be too aggressive, while the other partner may be too passive.  Another partner may be too quick to disengage or withdraw, while his counterpart may be too eager to hold on for dear life. There are still others that are too critical, too avoidant, too defensive, etc. 

Like a dance choreographer, it’s my job to point out to couples the ways that they step on each other’s toes.  Armed with new insights and new awareness, couples can then come up with creative, new ways to dance in concert with each other.  In time, the ways that they relate, or “dance”, with each other feels fluid, effortless, and fun.

In this article, I've mentioned only three ways that I work with couples in therapy.  Needless to say, I know of many other exercises and techniques that can help couples to flourish in their relationships.  While the process of couple's counseling can be challenging at times, it can also be fun, invigorating, and transformational.  I invite you to open your heart to the healing, hope, and restoration that couple's counseling can offer your relationship.

More info on a Marriage Therapist in San Diego