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	Click here to return to John Boesky's page about Anger Management Click here to return to John Boesky's page about Adolescents The following is from a presentation I gave in San Diego on October 30, 2007.     Adolescent Anger     What is anger?  What primary emotions does anger mask? How come adolescents prefer anger over other primary emotions? How does anger serve us?  How does anger serve (work for) adolescents?  When it is appropriate to express our anger?  How does anger work against us? Where do adolescents learn to vent their anger with such little self-control? How can we, as adults, be better role models for adolescents in terms of how we manage/communicate our own anger? How can we learn to diffuse our own anger, and the anger our adolescents feel? How can we communicate most effectively, and constructively, when feeling anger?  What are effective communication and active listening skills? How can we set limits and offer consequences to adolescents who act out destructively? What resources in our community can help your adolescent work through the feelings that trigger his or her anger?     *Before we address the topics above, it is important for all of us to bear in mind that adolescence is a time of tumult and transition in a boy and girl’s lives.  They are transitioning from having been children to being autonomous, self-reliant, fully functioning adults.  During this transition, they are dealing with the following issues:   Identity issues and Developmental milestones Sexual orientation Sexuality Self-efficacy/Self-reliance/Mastery of life skills Interpersonal development/Relationships with others Changes in Identity/Role in their family of origin  Identity among peers, Identity among teachers and coaches, and Development of an authentic, solid sense of self.) Body issues Peer Pressure (Drugs, alcohol, etc). Academic Pressure       Given all of the stressors and change above, adolescents often feel overwhelmed by countless emotions.  These emotions include fear, frustration, sadness, shame, helplessness, etc.  All of these emotions are called primary emotions.  Sometimes these emotions are at war with each other. In turn, the adolescent feels conflicted, fragmented, and torn apart into factions and/or separate pieces.  They use their anger to mask these feelings.  Hence anger is used as a secondary emotion to keeps these other painful emotions of out conscious awareness.  The anger can serve as a self-protective coping mechanism.   Some of the primary emotions anger may be masking are as follows:   Fear ( peer and family rejection, failure in school or in sports) Feeling unsafe (among peers, family members, teachers, etc.) Depression (hopelessness, helplessness) They wonder:  “Who am I?” Frustration (“Who am I now that I am not a child anymore?) Grief ( loss of childhood bliss, estrangement from parents and siblings) Shame (bodies are changing, sexual feelings emerging…) Invisible (parents don’t see me or recognize the new me that is growing and evolving….) Self-loathing ( due to feeling out of control, powerless, estranged from friends and parents, succumbing to bad impulses and experimenting….)  This can lead to acting out violently, cutting, making suicide attempts, doing drugs and alcohol. Feeling numb or empty inside (anger can be way to let them feel something…) Out of control ( this can be due to underdeveloped sense of self) Not feeling grounded or rooted anymore ( childhood is a distant memory) Feeling unloved, misunderstood (can result from poor attunement and mirroring from parents.) Feeling worthless ( sense parents are disappointed or disapproving of them Humiliation ( girls experience objectification by boys) Pressure ( Peer pressure, pressure to live up to parents expectations) Resentment (Love me for me, not for who you want me to be.)     How come anger over other primary emotions   ·        Adolescents feel less vulnerable ·        Avoid mockery and cultural bias against showing sadness and other “weak” emotions.  Anger is a more “acceptable” emotion. ·        Adrenaline inflates them, and this sense of inflation protects them from feeling fragile and powerless. ·        They can avoid accountability and deflect blame onto others by intimidating people, putting them on their heels, or distracting them with their angry accusations and violent temper ·        Get others to feel the sadness, hurt, and frustration they feel.  In turn, the feel less alone. ·        Makes them feel temporarily emboldened, alive, and empowered ·        Feel less fragile, less broken.  Anger lets them feel momentarily fortified, walled off ·        They use acts of anger as cries for help without having to be vulnerable or rely on communication skills and emotional vocabulary that they don’t have.       The Negatives of Anger   Destroys trust and safety in relationships Pushes people away, which leads to loneliness and isolation Primary emotions are neglected.  In turn, they fester and grow more powerful. Authentic self remains underdeveloped.  ( Anger mask is on too often) Anger can lead to agitation which can stoke flames of an underlying depression Can lead to legal problems, school disciplinary problems Can mobilize them to turn to drugs and alcohol to self-medicate, escape, or act out. Can lead to cutting which helps them to numb the agitation, restlessness, and irritability that they are feeling inside. Can lead to violence perpetrated against family members and others Can be used to intimidate, coerce, and manipulate others.  If these behaviors work, they can be self-reinforcing and create antisocial behaviors over the long term Can feed a sense of entitlement Angry judgments of others can serve to give themselves a false sense of superiority over others, a feeling of being better than. Angry projections of self-hatred onto others takes away opportunity for self-growth and self-awareness Somatic complaints Angry self-loathing can lead to eating disorders/suicidal ideation/Depression High blood pressure, hypertension   The positives of Anger   When truly threatened, anger can protect you from emotional or physical harm Can serve as an alarm clock, signaling to you that something is wrong.  Perhaps you’re not getting your needs met? Can mobilize you to take action Can empower you when you are feeling powerless, helpless, scared, or victimized Can counter numb or sad feelings that accompany depression Can motivate you to improve:  Get better grades, do better in sports, etc.   Where do adolescents learn to vent anger in the first place? What causes their angry outbursts? (The Bio-Psycho-Social-Spiritual Variables) Violence as a result of alcohol and drug addiction Music (Rap) can be misogynistic or glorify violence Violent video games Violence on television, in movies, and at home (Domestic Violence, Child abuse, Elder abuse, Sexual abuse, etc.) Gangs Poor or absent parental discipline Glorification of war Cultural norms of Manhood/Machismo Genes (genetic predisposition towards violence). Genes ( propensity towards antisocial behavior) Undiagnosed medical and/or mental health conditions (Bipolar disorder, Schizophrenia, etc.) Drug and alcohol abuse (Crystal Meth, alcohol, etc.) Emotional deprivation and Neglect     How can we, as adults, be better role models? How can we learn to diffuse our own anger, and our children’s anger?     Learn effective communication and active listening skills Develop a more nuanced “emotional” vocabulary Learn to take time-outs Show a willingness to grow, develop self-awareness, be introspective Be more tolerant of others, and less judgmental Learn to think in shades of gray:  Black and white thinking leads to hostility and resentment towards others Be assertive with others ( nor passive, passive-aggressive, or aggressive) Be an authoritative parent ( not permissive, not authoritarian) Be more self-revealing and vulnerable with your children Learn to express your thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants with others Take on collaborative approach with your children:  Not a combative, adversarial approach Be patient, fair, and compassionate with others Engage in physical activities to burn off energy and vent your anger in a way that doesn’t hurt others Take care of yourself (meditate, deep breathing exercises, yoga…) Understand how Projection works Understand how Transference works (To become more familiar with and get peace of mind with your own triggers, learn Affect Bridging and Float back Techniques.) Become familiar with your own self-limiting core beliefs (have to do with lovability, safety, and worth.)  Understand how mind works:  Pie Chart of the mind. Keep your self-talk in check. Be mindful of cognitive distortions: Personalizing, mind-reading, magnifying, minimizing/discounting, etc. Be more accountable for your actions:  Take responsibility for the mistakes you make.  Don’t project blame outwards all of the time.  Don’t take on a victim mentality.  This will set you up to feel chronically resentful of the injustices you face in the world Remember that life isn’t always fair         Effective Communication and Active Listening Skills   Avoid Triangulation when it comes to communication with your spouse and/or your child.  Triangulation takes place when someone tries to make you the “Monkey in the middle.”  This type of communication is indirect, and it can be manipulative, passive-aggressive, and divisive.  If a son is angry with his father, but elects to share these feelings with his Mother, he may be hoping that she will relay his concerns onto his father.  If the Mother does this, she has been triangulated into the father-son dyad.    While she may be hoping to be helpful to her son, she may actually be infantilizing him, and enabling him.  Moreover, she has become the messenger between the father and son, and often times it is the messenger that bears the brunt of the person’s wrath who is receiving the message.  In turn, relationship discord may result between the father and Mother.  The Mother/father relationship is momentarily severed or estranged.  All the while, the son and father have not learned to communicate openly and directly with each other.  Their relationship will likely suffer more as well, and the angry feelings the son has for his father will go unresolved.   Be mindful of the principles behind Transactional Analysis:  When we communicate, we can inhabit one of three voices:  The Parent, the Adult, and the Child.  When you are talking with your son or daughter, make a conscious choice to be the Parent or the Adult.  If you elect to embody the temperament of a child, then you will give up your role as parent and/or adult with your child.  You will likely lose his or her respect.  Moreover, you will not be offering your child good role modeling.  Your child will not consider your communication style worth emulating.   * Note: When adolescents become angry and combative with you, and begin to     verbally attack you, they may be trying to achieve one of the following goals:    ·        Deflect attention away from themselves and onto you instead ·        Avoid taking responsibility for their actions ·        Avoid being accountable for what they’ve done or haven’t done ·        Engage in a preemptive strike (character assassination) to put you on your heels so that you’re too busy defending yourself to stay on point with them. ·        Throw red herrings your way to distract you away from making your original point.   One way to deftly handle their verbal attacks is to sidestep them all together, like a matador does when it calmly steps aside from an onrushing bull.  You can side-step their verbal attacks and stay on point by sticking to one of the following 5 formulaic responses:   ·        Use the term, “Regardless.”  If your son or daughter says, “Yeah, but you said this or you did that”, be mindful not to bit on this bait.    Remain calm and poised, and say, “regardless, I would like you to do x or y…”   ·        Use the expression, “I’m sorry you feel that way, and I would still like you to do x or y…”    ·        “I guess we can agree to disagree.”   ·        “Let’s say we both have our own opinions and leave it at that.”   ·        “I understand.  You feel that…and I believe that…There are always at least two ways to look at something.”   Since anger is a secondary emotion, it can very helpful to memorize specific phrases that will draw an adolescent out and encourage them to reveal what it is that is hurting them, making them fearful, or what it is that is making them feel frustrated.  The following phrases can be very effective in achieving these goals:     ·        “To me, it sounds like you may be feeling a little…..”   ·        “I’m hearing …..  Are you feeling…..because of….?”   ·        “I’m wondering if something I’ve said or done might have contributed to your feeling irritable, angry, anxious….”   ·        “I may be wrong about this, but I’m wondering if you’re feeling kind of lonely/let down/betrayed/discouraged…?”   ·        “If this had happened to me, I would be feeling……How about you?”   ·        “I feel …..when you begin…..”   ·        Can we continue this discussion in about…… (minutes/hours)?”   ·        “I’m wondering if we can think of ways to prevent this kind of problem in the      future:  do you have some ideas?”   ·        “If I’ve said or done anything to cause you distress, I hope you’ll tell me.”   You may also want to try repeating what your adolescent has said.  When doing so, be mindful not to sound condescending, angry, or patronizing.  Try to create a tone that says, “I’m listening closely to what you’re saying.”  Consider some of the following repeating phrases:   ·        “So what you’re saying is you believe that…?”   ·        “You seem to think that…Is this right?”   ·        “So, if I have this right, you want…?”   ·        “Let me make sure that I am hearing you.  You want me to…?”   ·        “You say you believe that…Is that what you meant to say?”   When you are communicating with your adolescent son or daughter when he or she is feeling angry, do your best to take on a collaborative approach with him or her rather than a combative one.  You may be able to avert an argument or temper tantrum.  Also, do your best to let him or her that you are making every effort to hear them, understand them fully, appreciate the depth of their feelings or concerns, validate their emotions, and empathize with them.   Consider using different responses for different moods.  I will give you a few different scenarios right now, and I will then share with you weak responses you could use and compare and contrast them to wise responses.   Situation #1:  Your son’s mood seems to be sinking, although he hasn’t said so.     Weak responses:  Cheer up.  Do you want to see a movie?  What’s the problem?   Wise Responses:  “I may be wrong, but you seem a little down.  How are you feeling?”  It might help to talk about how you’re feeling.  When would you like to talk? “I’m wondering what would help you right now?”   Situation #2) Your son or daughter tells you that he is feeling anxious, sad, irritable, or depressed.    Weak Responses:  ·        What is it now?  ·        Don’t be sad.  ·        Don’t take it out on me.  ·        Don’t worry.   Wise responses:  Do you want to talk about it?  Is there some way that I can help?   What are you needing or wanting from me right now that I can offer you to be of some help?  It’s great you’re telling me how you feel in words:  this helps me to understand you better.   Situation #3)  Your adolescent son or daughter is showing you his feelings by acting-in or out; crying, screaming, slamming doors, throwing things, cursing, giving you the silent treatment.   Weak responses:  ·        Stop it, leave me alone.  ·        Control yourself, act like an adult.  ·        Are you mad at me?!! ·        You’re acting spoiled.  ·        Please talk to me.  ·        I’m so worried about you.  ·        As long as you live under my roof, you’ll do what I say! ·        Get out of my face.   Wise responses:  ·        I can see how upset you are and I’d like to talk with you about the situation if you calm down a bit.  ·        I love you, and I want to hear what’s going on in your mind and heart.  But I can’t help you until you can sit down and talk to me.  ·        What would help you calm down right now?  ·        I’m not able to hear your complaints against me until I feel safe.  If you’re feeling extremely angry or out of control, let’s take a break and then meet to talk about it later.  I promise to listen.     Two acronyms that I’ve created may also help you to communicate more effectively with you son or daughter when the two of you don’t agree on something or when your son or daughter has misconstrued what you’ve said or done and in turn gotten their feelings hurt.   The first acronym is as follows:  I.H.U.S.A.I.D.A.C    The I stands for “I” The H stands for “Hear” The U stands for “You” The S stands for “sorry.” The A stands for “And” The I stands for “I” The D stands for “Don’t” The A stands for “Agree” The C stands for “Contrary.”   Using this acronym, you can let your son or daughter know that you’re taken the time to hear them and understand their position, and still maintain your position as well.   If, for example, your son says, “It’s not fair that I can’t hang out with my friends at night during the school week”, you can say…   “I hear that you don’t think its fair that you can’t hang out with you friends on a school night, and I understand that not doing so upsets you.  I’m sorry that you feel this way about the limit that I’m setting with you.  And I don’t agree with your position at all.  On the contrary, I think it makes perfect sense that you dedicate your evenings to your school work during the week.  You have plenty of time to hang out with your friends on the weekend.”   The second acronym is as follows:  S.H.U.I.C.R   The S stands for “Sorry.” The H stands for “Hear.” The U stands for “Understand.” The "I "stands for “Intention.” The C stands for “Contrary. The R stands for “Reassure.”   This acronym is particularly helpful when your son or daughter has been hurt by something that you’ve said or done.  For example, if you tell your son or daughter that you think they can do better in their Biology class, he or she may feel as if you’re being overly critical.  Your intention may have been to motivate them, or encourage them, but they may have taken your constructive criticism on as a personal attack on their work ethic, intelligence, etc.   In this instance, your daughter might say, “You’re always so critical of me.  Nothing I do pleases you.  You just think I’m lazy and stupid, don’t you?!!   Using the SHUICR, you can say:  “I’m really sorry that you feel that I’m critical of you, that nothing you do pleases me, that you think that I think that you’re lazy and stupid.  I hear that what I said clearly hurt your feelings, and can certainly understand how you would feel hurt and angry if you thought that I felt those things about you.  I want to assure you, though, that it was not my intention at all to imply any of those things when I told you that I think that you can do better in Biology.  On the contrary, I was merely trying to be your cheerleader, and share with my faith in your abilities, intelligence, and capacity to learn the material in that class.  I have all the faith in the world in you, and that’s how come I expect so much from you sometimes.  In the future, I want to reassure you that when I encourage you to work even harder at something, it’s because I have such complete faith in your abilities.   It has nothing to do with any feelings that I’m harboring inside of me about your work ethic, intelligence, etc.  If I have those kinds of thoughts or feelings, I assure you that I will come right out and share them with you directly.  I’m very proud of you, and all that you’ve accomplished.  And it’s important to me that you know this....”   Use “I” statements:  It is important to take responsibility and ownership for your thoughts and feelings.  Moreover, it is important not to presume that you know how someone else feels, or that you know what someone else is thinking.   Avoid asking your son or daughter “Why?”  Instead, ask “How come” or “What?”  Why puts people in their heads, and makes them defensive.  “How come” opens up their heart, and encourages them to explore their thoughts, feelings, intentions, etc.     Avoid using the word, “Should.”  The word, should, can sound shaming, self-righteous, and imposing.  Instead, say, “I want to encourage you to…” or “I think it would serve you to…”  Or I think it would be in your best interest to…”   Avoid saying someone “Makes” you feel one way or another.  This creates a victim mentality and lead to feelings of resentment and powerlessness.  It’s important to teach our children that we can choose to respond to people any way we like.     Develop your emotional vocabulary.  Learn a more nuanced way to express your feelings.  Feeling words include Sad Hurt Ashamed Frustrated Afraid Invalidated Betrayed Discouraged Disheartened Invisible Unimportant Unsafe Unloved Unheard Unacknowledged Unappreciated Exasperated unloved     *Learn ways to share your sense of how someone is feeling without sounding presumptuous, or as if your intuition is rooted in fact.  For example, consider the following options:   “My sense is…” “I’m wondering if….” “You seem…” “My experience of you is that….”   Avoid labeling people.  If you call your child a name, he or she may latch onto that name and incorporate it into his sense of self.  He or she may then engage in behaviors that will support this piece of their identity.  Instead of attacking their character, challenge their behaviors. For example, “I love you, and I don’t like how you’re behaving.”   Avoid the word, “But.”  This tends to negate whatever efforts you’ve made to validate your son or daughter’s thoughts, feelings, etc.   Focus on what behaviors you’d like to see improve. Focusing on the negative only leaves people feeling discouraged, embittered, or resentful.  Rather than say, “Don’t be so disrespectful, say, “Be respectful.”  Rather than say, “Don’t be so lazy when it comes to your schoolwork,” say, “I’d like you to be more tenacious and conscientious when it comes to your schoolwork.”   Be mindful of making a Content to Process shift.  There’s usually more to the picture than meets the eye.  Make an effort to see and hear what messages are being sent to you beneath the words that are being spoken.  Getting lost in the content can lead to needless arguing.  Paying attention to the process can lead you to a deeper understanding of the person that’s talking.   Active listening skills: Pay attention to your body language when listening to your son or daughter. Keep your tone of voice soft Keep your arms uncrossed Lean in Make eye contact Keep breathing   Setting Limits and Consequences with your son or daughter     Be their parent, and be mindful not to be their best friend Be assertive, and not passive  or aggressive Be authoritative, not permissive or authoritarian Let them know up front what your expectations are of them at home, at school, at their friend’s houses, on the athletic field, etc Let them know up front how you expect them to talk to you.  Let them know that you will have zero tolerance for being disrespected, verbally abused, etc. Let them know you will have zero tolerance for violence of any kind at home or elsewhere Let them know ahead of time of the consequences for their acting out (yelling, throwing things, being violent, etc.) Let them know what privileges will be taken away for specific acting out behaviors.  For example, cell phone privileges, computer privileges, time spent with friends, car privileges, etc. Consider enlisting their support in determining appropriate consequences for poor behavior If they scream at you on the phone, lovingly hang up. If they scream at you in person, attempt to diffuse the situation and/or take a time-out and walk away. If they act violently towards you, call the police. If they need to go to juvenile Hall, then so be it.   Resources in the Community   Therapists/psychiatrists Boys to Men program Outward Bound Sharp Mesa Vista hospital Long term treatment programs