Active Listening
Active Listening principles are key to effective communication.
"When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen" - Ernest Hemingway
Active Listening Exposed
Read my article about Active
Listening
Active Listening is a very
successful set of listening skills and techniques which encourage
people to communicate more openly and freely... When a person uses
active listening skills, the person who is speaking ends up feeling
heard, seen, and thoroughly understood. Consequently, the two or more
people who are in communication have a far greater chance at resolving
conflicts, and achieving interpersonal peace and harmony, as well as
greater intimacy...
"Active Listening" has many components, including body language ( such
as nodding, eye contact, open posture, body and facial expressions) and
verbal techniques such as "Reflective Listening", Paraphrasing, asking
"Clarifying Questions", and making a "Content to Process shift."
"Reflective Listening" entails repeating back to someone exactly what
you heard them say, in their actual words.
"Paraphrasing" entails repeating back to someone what you heard them
say- either the content of the feelings-by summarizing it and putting
it in your own words. When someone senses that you truly understand the
gist of what they are saying, they feel heard, and understood.
"Clarifying Questions" are asked in order to gain a deeper and more
accurate understanding for what is being said. "Clarifying questions"
lessen the possibility that the person talking will be misunderstood,
and their thoughts and feelings misconstrued.
A "Content to Process shift" is when a listener is able to hear the
hidden message that lies beneath what is being said, on the surface.
Often, the content of what is being said is superfluous, and serves as
red herrings that distract the listener, and disorients him or her, and
gets him to lose sight of what the person communicating is really
meaning to say.
Take, for example, a woman who
scoffs at her boyfriend, and says, "You've become such a workaholic.
All you care about is your work, and making money." If the boyfriend in
this instance listens only to what is being said ( the content) than he
will likely become defensive, and angry, and include in his rebuttal, "
I do not work all of the time. And I am not only interested in making
money...." In this moment, he may feel attacked, and misunderstood.
However, I ask you, what do you think the woman is really trying to
say? What process is going on here? Active listeners know better. They
would have enough sensitivity and insight to see through her anger and
frustration, and understand that she is more than likely trying to say,
"I wish you wouldn't work so much. I miss you. I want to spend more
time together with you. I want to feel like I'm still a priority in
your life, and that you still love me, and want to be with me."
If the gentleman in this instance had the presence of mind to address
her sadness, her insecurity, her self-doubts, and her anxiety, she in
turn might very well feel attended to, heard, and cared for. The
conflict between these two would resolve itself, and they would likely
feel closer than they did before their altercation.
In conclusion, "Active Listening" skills play a substantial role in
diffusing tension between people, and fostering intimacy instead. The
purpose of these skills is to get into the other person's shoes- to
take on their perspective, and see how reasonable it is for him or her
to feel the way they do. It is also a way to validate the other
person's reality, perspective, and point of view. People feel heard,
understood, and cared for, and subsequently tensions fall by the way
side, and peace and harmony take their place.
Read my detailed presentation on
Adolescent Anger >